Writing My Way Through

an update

My relationship with writing has not always been an easy one. Yet, I’ve always been drawn to the form—to read it, to create it. As a child, I journaled consistently and took my journaling seriously. My favorite books were diaristic, and I aspired to emulate Anne Frank’s style and what I read in the diaristic historical fiction Dear America books. In the days when the internet was used more sparingly, more pointedly (we maintained using dial-up until the relatively late date of 2006, when I was 13), I spent much of my free time reading and writing in my diary; during periods when I was perhaps reading more heavily, or spending more time with friends, I wrote less in my diary. I wanted to document everything that happened in my little life; when I returned to my diary after a period of not writing, I worked to fill in the gaps, writing straightforward summaries of what had transpired. These summaries didn’t necessarily delve deeply or show the development of a complex internal life. What I wanted to put onto the paper was concrete, material.

As a young student, writing papers for English classes—especially anything that was supposed to be creative writing—terrified me. Up until high school, I spent hours sitting in front of the family computer, staring at a blinking cursor. I was unsure of what to write, how to express myself, overwhelmed by the empty canvas of the page and the freedom of directions my creative work could take. It would take years (and some excellent high school literature teachers) for me to become comfortable with allowing my brain to bend toward more creative thought, to find excitement and pleasure in exploring life’s great questions through the written word. Eventually, crafting the perfect sentence, finding just the right word or phrase to think through literature and life gave me a feeling of ecstasy, of connecting to something higher and greater than just myself, of expanding my mind and my understanding of the world.

I recently read Elisa Gabbert’s essay collection Any Person Is the Only Self. She finishes the essay “Somethingness (or, Why Write?)”, with: “I think I write to think—not to find out what I think; surely I know what I already think—but to do better thinking. Staring at my laptop screen makes me better at thinking. Even thinking about writing makes me better at thinking. And when I’m thinking well, I can sometimes write that rare, rare sentence or paragraph that feels exactly right, only in the sense that I found the exact right sequence of words and punctuation to express my own thought—the grammar in the thought. The rightness feels so good, like sinking an unlikely shot in pool. The ball is away and apart from you, but you feel it in your body, the knowledge of causation. Never mind luck or skill or free will, you caused that effect—you’re alive!”

When I sit down to write, I often find myself wanting to have all of the aspects of an essay ready to go in my head before my fingers start moving on the keyboard. I think back to my middle school self, my brain paralyzed with the task of putting words on the page, despite how satisfying it is to actually get them there. Though the writing often becomes exploratory in the process, I don’t always approach it with that mindset, and I want to change that for myself. I want to practice writing my way through my thoughts: I hope it’ll be a practice in becoming a better thinker and a more expressive, dextrous writer.

Part of that includes intending to publish more writing here, and paywalling some of it. I’ll share one free essay every month; everything beyond that will be available only to paid subscribers. I’ll also be adding in a monthly round-up-style post, where I’ll share what I’ve been reading, watching, listening to lately. I’d love for this to be conversational and community-oriented—as much as I’m happy to share the culture that I’ve been consuming, I want to hear what you’re taking in, too! I’ll also be writing more about what I cook and bake at home, giving you a glimpse into my home kitchen. Going forward, I will also be limiting commenting on my posts to paid subscribers. More perks for paying for a subscription will be announced soon, too. For about the next two weeks (until my birthday, March 18), the paid subscription price will be discounted. If you subscribe during this time, you’ll pay that price forever.

Thank you, as always, for reading and engaging with me.